Why the Next Generation Needs Less Self-Obsession, Not More

The concept of self-obsession has taken center stage in modern self-help culture, particularly among younger generations. One prominent voice in this movement is Tam Kaur, a Gen Z self-transformation expert who encourages followers to embrace what she calls the “Five Laws of Self Obsession.” Her ideas have gained significant traction online, with her Instagram reel on the subject accumulating over 400,000 views and widespread engagement.

Kaur’s philosophy centers around the idea that true confidence stems from an unapologetic focus on oneself. Among her guiding principles is the Boundary Law, which instructs individuals to fiercely protect their personal space and energy by saying “no” without guilt or explanation. While setting boundaries can be crucial for mental health and avoiding burnout, critics argue that such rigid self-prioritization risks alienating loved ones and fostering emotional detachment.

Another of Kaur’s tenets, the Celebration Law, claims that joy is a birthright—a notion that raises questions about whether happiness should be framed as an inherent right. The Upgrade Law, perhaps the most controversial, suggests that one’s environment directly influences self-worth, advocating for continuous improvements in personal appearance, wardrobe, and living conditions. This perspective aligns closely with consumerist ideals, implying that self-improvement often requires material investment.

Kaur is not alone in promoting self-centered philosophies. Life coach Michelle Elman, known as the “Queen of Boundaries,” authored The Joy of Being Selfish, which encourages readers to eliminate toxic relationships and drama through strict boundary-setting. Across social media, influencers and so-called empowerment gurus preach similar messages, urging followers to distance themselves from anyone who hinders personal growth.

This trend reflects a broader cultural shift toward hyper-individualism, according to Dr. Tom Davies, author of Self-Obsession: How Our Need for Identity Threatens Our Wellbeing. He argues that Western societies, particularly the UK, are experiencing a deepening obsession with identity that exacerbates feelings of isolation and contributes to rising mental health issues. Unlike narcissism—which involves an inflated ego—self-obsession often manifests as a preoccupation with perceived flaws or deficiencies.

Psychologist W. Keith Campbell, co-author of The Narcissism Epidemic, notes that while overt narcissism may be declining, a different form of psychological distress is emerging. Social media, he explains, initially amplified narcissistic tendencies, but now it more commonly fuels anxiety and depression through constant comparison. Both those who flaunt their success and those who feel inadequate due to these comparisons are ultimately engaged in what he calls “chasing ego.”

The rise of self-obsessed thinking extends into therapeutic practices as well. Concepts like self-care, self-love, and self-actualization dominate popular discourse, often at the expense of relational healing. Dr. William Van Gordon, a psychologist who developed Ontological Addiction Theory, warns that excessive self-focus can lead to selfishness and hinder empathy toward others. He emphasizes the importance of balancing self-compassion with compassion for those around us.

Research supports the idea that self-centeredness correlates with lower levels of sustained happiness. A 2011 model called the Self-Centeredness and Selflessness Happiness Model (SSHM) found that selfless behaviors were more strongly associated with long-term emotional stability than self-focused ones. Campbell goes so far as to say that “about the worst thing you can do for your wellbeing is focus on yourself,” pointing to studies linking self-attention with depression and anxiety.

In the UK, mental health challenges have risen sharply among young people, especially Gen Z. An NHS survey revealed that one in four young adults in England now suffers from a mental health condition, with rates increasing by over a third in the past decade. Loneliness has also surged, affecting millions nationwide. These trends mirror the growing emphasis on individualism over community.

Addressing this crisis requires a cultural recalibration. Van Gordon proposes a three-stage process: first recognizing how much ego shapes our lives, then dismantling its grip, and finally rebuilding identity around interdependence rather than isolation. Meditation, he suggests, can help foster a sense of connection with others.

Campbell advocates for a method he calls CPR—Compassion, Passion, and Responsibility. Compassion involves treating others with empathy and respect. Passion refers to engaging in activities for intrinsic joy rather than external validation. Responsibility means taking ownership of actions without ego-driven deflection.

Ultimately, both experts agree that overcoming self-obsession begins with a conscious decision to look beyond oneself. As Van Gordon puts it, “We’ve just got to make a choice to get over ourselves.” Only by doing so can we cultivate genuine human emotions like love, compassion, and joy—qualities essential for both personal and collective well-being.