The Courage to Be Disliked: How Adler's Wisdom Transformed My Perspective

Matt D’Avella recently shared a compelling discussion about a book that transformed his perspective — The Courage to Be Disliked, which is rooted in the teachings of psychologist Alfred Adler. As someone who has struggled with people-pleasing and the pressure of comparison, I found his exploration of Adlerian psychology both enlightening and deeply relevant to today’s fast-paced world.

One of the most striking aspects of Adler’s philosophy is how it diverges from traditional psychological theories. While Freud and Jung emphasized the lasting impact of past trauma on our behavior, Adler proposed a radically different idea: we are not shaped by what has happened to us, but by the goals we set for ourselves in the present. This shift in thinking can be incredibly empowering, offering a way to break free from being held back by our history.

Breaking Free from Comparison

Social media often fuels an unhealthy cycle of comparison. We constantly see others' highlight reels and feel like we’re falling behind in a race we never chose to run. Matt explained how Adler’s concept of “horizontal relationships” offers a solution to this trap. When we view life as a vertical hierarchy—always comparing ourselves to others—we create a toxic dynamic where someone must always be above or below. This leads to fleeting satisfaction when we're ahead and anxiety when we fall behind.

What resonated most was Matt’s personal realization: “Once I stopped trying to outdo everyone else and focused more on becoming fully myself, everything changed.” It's not about ignoring others' achievements but understanding that their journey doesn’t detract from your own.

Using Limitations as Growth Opportunities

A powerful quote from the book that stuck with me was: “The important thing is not what one is born with, but what use one makes of that equipment.” This perfectly captures how we should approach our limitations—not as fixed barriers, but as starting points for growth.

Matt illustrated this well when he spoke about his own struggles with articulation. Instead of seeing it as a flaw to hide, he asked himself: How can I improve? How can I work with what I have? This mindset helped him develop a unique voice in filmmaking that leverages his strengths rather than fighting his weaknesses. It’s a reminder that talent isn’t the only path to success—intentional effort and self-awareness matter just as much.

Living in the Present Moment

Adler also encourages us to see life not as a linear progression toward some distant goal, but as a series of meaningful moments. Many of us live as if real life begins after graduation, a promotion, marriage, or retirement. But this mindset keeps us perpetually waiting instead of truly living now.

I’ve caught myself doing this too often—chasing the next milestone without appreciating where I am. As Matt wisely put it: “If you’re always living for what’s next, when do you actually live?” This doesn’t mean abandoning ambition or long-term goals. Rather, it means finding fulfillment in the process and valuing each moment for what it is.

Understanding the Distribution of Tasks

One of the most practical ideas from Adler is the concept of “task separation”—knowing what is and isn't your responsibility. This includes three crucial insights: - It is not your task to make everyone like you. - It is not your task to prevent others from feeling upset. - It is not your task to change someone’s mind.

Your job is simply to live authentically and with integrity. How others respond is theirs. This distinction has helped Matt confidently share vulnerable content—even when it sparks disagreement. For those recovering from people-pleasing habits, this idea is a game-changer.

Reframing Past Trauma

Adler controversially stated that “trauma does not exist,” not to dismiss painful experiences, but to challenge the belief that our past controls us. What matters isn’t the event itself, but the meaning we assign to it. Two people can endure similar hardships yet come out completely differently based on how they interpret the experience.

Matt shared how this helped him reflect on early challenges with his newborn son. He now sees that difficult time as a transformative experience that taught him valuable lessons about himself. In many ways, he said, “I can be thankful for that terrible experience because it made me who I am today.”

Finding the Courage to Be Disliked

The book’s title says it all—true freedom comes from no longer letting fear of disapproval dictate your life choices. This doesn’t mean being intentionally offensive, but rather choosing authenticity over approval.

Living meaningfully means accepting that not everyone will like you—and that’s okay. This courage shows up in small daily decisions: saying no to peer pressure, turning down obligations that don’t align with your values, or speaking up even when your views are unpopular.

I’ve started applying these principles in my own life, and while it’s been uncomfortable at times, it’s also brought a deep sense of liberation. By embracing horizontal relationships, viewing limitations as opportunities, staying grounded in the present, and daring to be disliked, I’m discovering a more authentic and fulfilling way to live.