Emotionally Intelligent People Use the 'Rule of Regret' to Deepen Bonds

Understanding the Power of Regret

Regret is a complex emotion that often lingers in our minds, bringing feelings of sadness or disappointment about past actions—or inactions. It can be triggered by things we said, did, or failed to do, and it has the potential to be paralyzing. However, there's a way to shift your perspective on regret and use it as a valuable tool for personal growth.

The key lies in recognizing a fundamental truth: you cannot change the past, but you can learn from it. This simple insight forms the basis of what I call “the Rule of Regret.” It serves as a starting point for developing emotional intelligence, which includes managing emotions, learning from mistakes, and making better decisions.

The Science Behind Emotions

Lisa Feldman Barrett, a renowned neuroscientist and professor of psychology at Northeastern University, has done extensive research on how the brain processes emotions. In her book, How Emotions Are Made: The Secret Life of the Brain, she explains that the brain constantly receives signals from the outside world through the senses. These signals are then interpreted through predictions—educated guesses made by the brain to understand and respond to the environment.

According to Barrett, prediction is one of the primary functions of the brain. This means that our thoughts and emotions are not just reactions to events but are shaped by the brain’s ongoing attempts to make sense of the world. When we dwell on regrets, we trap ourselves in a cycle of negative thinking. Instead, we should focus on using the lessons learned from the past to guide our current decisions.

Using Regret as a Tool for Growth

To effectively use regret as a tool, ask yourself these reflective questions:

• What is the lesson here?
• If you could go back in time, what would you do differently?
• Can you imagine a situation in the future where you might repeat the same mistake?
• How can you prepare to handle such a situation differently?

By answering these questions, you turn past experiences into valuable insights. Visualizing potential future scenarios allows you to mentally practice handling difficult situations more effectively.

Sharing Your Lessons with Others

In addition to helping yourself, you can also help others by sharing your story. Have you seen a colleague, family member, or friend make a similar mistake? Offering your perspective could prevent them from experiencing the same regret. Sharing your experiences can create a ripple effect of positive change.

Practicing Self-Forgiveness

Sometimes, we are harder on ourselves than we are on others. Feeling regret is proof that you wish you had acted differently, and it shows that you have grown since that moment. Forgiving yourself does not mean condoning past actions; it simply means giving yourself permission to move forward.

Transforming Regret Into Progress

By understanding the neuroscience behind emotions and applying the Rule of Regret, you can transform this powerful emotion from something that holds you back into something that moves you forward. This mindset shift can lead to better decision-making, stronger relationships, and a more intentional life.

Instead of letting regret trap you in the past, start using it as a guide for living more fully in the present. By embracing the lessons from your past, you can create a future filled with purpose and growth.