Clear Signals You're Experiencing a 'Silent Divorce'

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After getting married, Carly and her spouse rarely argued.

As their marriage began to unravel, she and her former spouse decided to turn to couple’s workbooks in an attempt to address their issues.

“I would just prefer not to talk to him about things because it was very difficult to communicate in general,” said Carly, a mother of one child who didn’t want to include her last name due to privacy concerns. “He was more like, silent treatment and passive-aggressive. And I feel like I probably was the same, too.”

At one point, Carly asked him to move out of their Tampa, Florida, home.

“She mentioned, 'He said, “No, we can sort it out at our place,”'"

He moved his things into a guest bedroom in the family home and began sleeping there.

Following a year of sleeping in different rooms, the pair opted to call it quits on their marriage. However, until the very end, they remained under the same roof, co-parenting their daughter and maintaining appearances for those around them.

"She mentioned that within a year, he turned into someone unfamiliar to her despite our shared living space, and eventually, we decided to get divorced," she explained.

Even though the legal process happened afterward, the pair was already experiencing what is commonly referred to as a "quiet divorce."

What does "quiet divorce" mean?

When couples find themselves in this scenario, it often occurs because they have lost their emotional connection yet remain together due to financial constraints or other factors. This insight comes from Stephanie Moir, who is both a licensed mental health counselor and a certified rehabilitation counselor at Serene Mind Counseling + Evaluations, a private mental health care provider based in Tampa and Jacksonville, Florida.

"A quiet divorce occurs when you aren’t officially separated by law, yet you are completely distanced emotionally, mentally, and to some extent even physically, from your partner," explained Moir.

"It’s truly an experience you go through individually and somewhat alone—it’s not entirely documented or widely shared. This can make it feel quite isolated," she mentioned additional.

It’s a common refrain that marriage takes work. “If you don’t really work on a marriage, it could really lead to that emotional disconnect where two people are just not on the same page anymore,” Moir said.

Signs you’re in a silent divorce

Realizing you no longer have common goals as a couple and an inability to see yourself “growing and expanding” with your partner is one sign you may be in or headed toward a silent divorce, she said.

“Maybe you start taking separate vacations or don’t go together to social gatherings, like birthdays,” Moir said.

Another telling sign is a sustained lack of physical intimacy with your partner, whether you’re no longer having a sexual relationship or lacking any other kind of touch with each other that was formerly the norm, she added.

Lisa Lavelle, a licensed clinical social worker, psychotherapist, and couples therapist based in New York City, mentioned that she frequently encounters numerous "high-functioning couples" within her practice who are experiencing what she refers to as silent divorces.

"They might seem fine outwardly and be excellent co-parents who sort out all the details," Lavelle explained, yet there remains an emotional gap.

"One of the initial warning signs that I often notice when couples are approaching or experiencing a silent divorce is when they start feeling more like housemates rather than romantic partners. Their attention is primarily on their roles as mom and dad instead of focusing on being spouses or companions," explained Lavelle.

While all couples may feel disconnected from each other at some point, she said, things become problematic when they avoid talking about these issues and can’t bounce back.

A lack of physical intimacy is an obvious sign of trouble, Lavelle said. But it’s important not to confuse a silent divorce with a “sleep divorce,” which is when couples choose to sleep separately because one snores or there’s another medical or comfort issue.

“If you’re dealing with those types of issues with snoring or sleep apnea, it can actually help preserve your relationship (to sleep in separate rooms),” she said.

There’s a hidden cost to the calm

A silent divorce can feel like a reprieve of sorts, Lavelle said, since a couple who may have been used to fighting before suddenly isn’t anymore.

However, disputes within a partnership have their function, according to Justin Ho, a licensed professional counselor at Summit’s Edge Counseling located in Marietta, Georgia.

“It may appear dysfunctional, but arguing typically indicates that we're currently in disagreement, out of sync with each other, viewing things from different perspectives — yet we’re making an effort to help our partners understand our point of view," he explained.

For certain partners, arguments might suggest an ongoing wish to maintain a connection. In contrast, a pair going through a quiet divorce may have stopped quarreling as they've lost interest, according to Lavelle.

This is a pair who will discuss practical matters such as dinner plans. However, topics that carry significant emotional weight or cause discomfort are avoided," she explained. "They seem to be lacking in openness with each other.

Additionally, there’s an emotional cost involved. "When you're married to someone and purposefully try to stay away from them, it consumes both your time and energy," she explained.

Anger accumulates gradually over time.

Ho mentioned that couples undergoing a silent divorce go through an emotional estrangement which may result in sensations of solitude, desolation, and bitterness.

“Over time, those feelings really build up and are really difficult emotions to experience and to handle,” he added. “Oftentimes what we see is that it develops into, potentially, depression or anxiety. It manifests in a lot of different ways.”

For parents with kids watching these events unfold, there's collateral damage to take into account.

“If you find yourself near a couple who isn’t getting along, it’s quite noticeable,” Lavelle stated. “Just observing their unhappiness makes you feel as though you're tiptoeing on fragile eggs.”

Ho mentioned that a quiet divorce might result in unaddressed needs for both the adults and the children affected.

"Children may feel pressured to choose sides or could experience neglect in the relationship as they lack that unified model of parents to rely on or seek guidance from," he explained.

Couples should also consider the financial implications of staying in a silent divorce instead of making it official.

Liesl Savage, a financial adviser with Ameriprise Financial Services in Jacksonville, said she wouldn’t feel comfortable with her clients staying in a silent divorce for an extended period because of the financial liability that goes along with that.

“If my soon-to-be ex gets in a car accident and someone dies in that accident, I’m going to have a whole disaster on my hands,” she said.

If you're still legally wed, you remain financially connected to your spouse. You are interconnected.

Proceeding with a quiet dissolution of marriage

If you're recognizing that you may be experiencing a silent divorce, Ho suggested, you could have a conversation and discuss it with your spouse.

"Pose the question, 'Do you see the same things too?' And genuinely aim to reach an understanding right then," Ho advised.

Having such a discussion, even though it might be uneasy, provides a chance to assess whether you wish to invest effort into maintaining the relationship. Remaining silent also comes with consequences of its own.

Feelings of resentment regarding childcare, money matters, and interactions with in-laws often build up when these subjects are ignored and not discussed openly," Lavelle explained. "This typically causes at least one individual to harbor negative feelings towards the other and reduces their willingness to make an effort.

She mentioned that the longer resentment remains unaddressed, the more difficult it becomes to handle. This is why seeking therapeutic assistance can be beneficial.

I believe individuals often assume that therapy aims to salvage a partnership, which it certainly does," Lavelle explained. "However, mostly, therapy focuses on enabling couples to engage in discussions that might otherwise remain unheard or difficult for them, thus allowing them to make a better-informed choice regarding their relationship.

Terry Ward is a travel writer and freelance journalist based in Florida, working out of Tampa, who never claimed that marriage would be simple.

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