Asking Eric: Grandmother and grandson caught in the middle of contentious divorce

Dear Eric: My oldest daughter is going through a rough divorce. Her soon to be ex-husband is asking for alimony, extra expenses and basically putting her through the ringer, because he thinks she owes it to him due to her infidelity. She met her new boyfriend when she was still married.

This has put my grandchild in a difficult and confusing situation. He is 17 years old, and he loves both his parents. He feels he has to be loyal to his dad, because his dad says he is the victim. But he also acknowledges that he has never seen his mother so happy. They had a contentious marriage that made her quite anxious and unhappy.

I want to help my grandson navigate through this challenging time. What kind of advice can I give him?

– Worried Grandmother

Dearest Grandma: It warms my heart knowing that your grandson benefits from having someone reliable around these days. Having an understanding grown-up nearby who can share crucial messages with him is invaluable. Such as: "It's unfair how you're caught between their messy divorce," "I realize it's tough hearing less-than-positive comments about your mom and dad, and I feel bad about it too," and "Whatever happens, keep in mind that staying loyal to both of them shouldn't be a concern. Both should ensure you understand just how much they love you without conditions. Remember though, even adults sometimes fall short because they aren't perfect; yet whatever mistakes happen here weren’t due to anything you did."

Most of all, remind him that he doesn’t have to pick a side. Divorce is hard and your son is seeing new sides of his parents and that’s going to take some getting used to. Robert E. Emery writes in the book “The Truth About Children and Divorce,” “children whose parents put them first from the start have a tremendous advantage over those whose parents cannot separate their feelings about their failed marriage from their feelings about the co-parenting partnership that will last the rest of their lives.” That didn’t happen here, but you can make sure your grandson knows that he’s a priority for you.

Although using his son this way is highly improper, it offers you a chance to mentor your grandson through a crucial aspect of maturing: recognizing his parents as fallible individuals. Just like everyone else, they occasionally err, succumb to their basest impulses, and disappoint those who rely on them. However, these flaws do not diminish their worthiness of affection. Assist your grandson in establishing personal limits while also speaking up for him among the grown-ups around him. Doing so will enable him to form more balanced connections both with his parents and potential future companions.

Hi Eric, I was involved with my former partner, Yves, for around five years. Throughout this period, we enjoyed financial stability and mutual support. However, Yves suddenly cut off all contact without providing an explanation. Although I acknowledge that our bond wasn’t as strong towards the end of our relationship compared to when we first started out together. Best, [Your Name]

Later, a friend, who is a close relative of Yves, mentioned that Yves was now dating someone named Tiffany. The situation took an unexpected turn a few months later when Tiffany called me asking for money. She said she needed help with rent because Yves refused to lend her any. Tiffany mentioned that she knew about Yves' wealthy ex-girlfriend and was seeking my assistance. When I told her this wasn't my concern, she argued that since we both dated Yves, we should be mutual friends. Yves is a great person, but should I trust Tiffany?

– Confused Single

Dearest Singleton: If only I could erect a sign in your municipality stating "For the sake of everything decent, kindly refrain from acknowledging Tiffany in any manner."

After five years of being together, Yves just vanished without a word? That’s completely unacceptable—cruel even. Then, to add insult to injury, he had his new girlfriend reach out to you asking for cash? How does he have the nerve? Does your city have a gall quarry now?

Tiffany’s main argument—that you should be friends since you both dated the same person—doesn’t hold up. I’m curious about what else Tiffany believes you share aside from Yves and, hopefully for her, the wealth. It seems like these individuals might be attempting to exploit your situation. Do not allow them to do so.

Dear Eric: Regarding the letter from “Happy Family”, who was looking for a “snappy comeback” for relatives wondering why/when/if her daughter plans to be married, I suggest the comeback be “why would you ask that?” putting a bit of a spotlight on the intrusiveness of the question. Regardless of the inquirer’s response, a simple “huh” or “I see” ends the conversation.

– Comeback Again

Dear Comeback: Loving this! It's an excellent strategy to adopt a Gloria Estefan approach and flip the [question] around.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. You can follow him on Instagram and subscribe to his biweekly email update at rericthomas.com .)

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